Where did she go?

One only knows. Sometimes I think the only people that understand me are other military spouses. Then again there are those who never cease to amaze me. I have been told I am strong and that I am a good person. Yet when I look in the mirror I am not happy with what I see. I love being a housewife. Being able to stay home and raise my kids has been the biggest blessing anyone could ever have. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But now what? All my babies will soon be in school. Does this mean it is time for me to figure out what I want to be when I grow up? The thought of going back to school scares me. I don't really want a job that will take me away from my family. With the thought of the impending deployment in December it's not even an option until he comes home. So why worry about it? Answer: Because I am a worry wart. I worry about everything!

As many know I have been fighting the battle of the bulge for some time now. I am at my highest weight and it depresses me. It breaks my heart that the once happy go lucky, never a worrier girl has turned into one that battles such things as obesity, insomnia, low self-esteem, and even bouts of depression. Where did it all start? For me I think it began at our first duty station. Meeting people was so hard, the neighbors we had were horrible, it seemed like anyone who lived up stairs came with crabby papers. The others who were there already had their friendships and acted like making others was an inconvenience. For an outgoing person like myself this broke my heart. I tried to get and walk and see if there were any people my age or maybe that had the same interests but it never seemed to work out. It wasn't until our final year in Maine that I met some incredible people and when it came time to leave them I nearly died from a broken heart. They truly were my family away from home and I will be forever grateful to Scott, Lori, Stacy, and Max! I honestly think those were the best times of my life thus far.

The next duty station came and more heart break. I don't think people realize how hard it is to move all over the country leaving your best friends behind. Not once but usually more than 2 or 3 times. I met a few people and there just wasn't that connection. I tried, I tried real hard. But I gave until I broke several times. I thought coming home would be awesome, and it is. I love being close to my parents, and my brothers. Being here to spend time with my grandmother before she passed, the memories we made will last a lifetime. Even the ones that still to this day break my heart. You see "granny" as we called her was not easy with her words. She would cut you like a knife often with her sharp tongue. If you didn't want to hear about your weight well let's just say you better not have that second helping! She often told me how "I needed to get rid of some of this weight" and who knows maybe that is why the fire is lighting now. Maybe it is her motivating me from a higher place. It does make me sad that she couldn't see me lose the weight. She would say "I care about you that is why, I talk to you about it." "I know you did Granny, I know you did!"

Nights like these I sit alone with my thoughts and wonder what can I do? I have tried all kinds of diets, I have tried exercising, what will be the one thing that really sets it all apart and is the driving force for me to get this done? Some days I think "LAPBAND," and others I think "know you need to do this on your own." Some days I just want to curl up in bed and cry....... Why did I let myself get this way?

When did "she" become "me"? When did I let this negative person take over and when did I let her step in. It's like on the cartoons when you see a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other..... The person pictured above is not the person I am now. I miss her and I want HER BACK! She was the strong-willed independent person who stood on her own two feet. She wasn't a mother, a wife, an aunt, or a friend to be walked on. Don't get me wrong I love being a mother, I love being married most of the time. HA HA! My nephew Breylan is my pride and joy. My friends the ones who respect me and don't walk all over me only when they need things are wonderful. But those who continue to use and abuse just put me further and further on the wrong track. I get frustrated with myself for allowing myself to be walked on and I wonder if I should get it tattooed on my head because most days it seems like it's already there. And I am not just talking about one person, it can be family, friends and anyone in between. Years ago I would walk away and not care. But I guess when you make that change in your life by accepting the Lord you want the best in all situations. When you can't make everything perfect you feel like you aren't perfect. I know the old saying, No body's perfect! But in my case for some reason I strive to be perfect with everyone, except for the one's who matter most. No one ever said life would be easy but some days man I just feel like giving up. But then I look at my beautiful children and my loving husband and I know that God has a purpose for me. How can you not believe that he has a purpose for you? It would be so hard for me to accept what I saw a few weeks ago if I didn't believe in God. Because just thinking about how that young mans life ended so tragic. Well let's just say its hard to think, "well that is the end for him. He'll go to the grave broken and that is the way he'll stay." Now I don't know if he was a child of God or not. But I like to think that he was and he is in heaven with a new face, new legs, and was greeted by those of his family who had went on before him.


For now I will keep trying to do my best in this world and I will do my best to keep my head held high. We are only here for a little while and I honestly think those who find their calling are truly blessed beyond belief and those of us who struggle day to day to find our purpose are easily distracted by the gifts you have been given. Instead of trying to see what God puts so plainly in front of us.


Oh and one more thought before I try to lay back down. I am not a professional blogger, don't claim to be i just enjoy writing and sharing my thoughts no matter how right or wrong they might be. Besides they are only opinions right!