Awkward

I can give you one guarantee right here and right now! I am not the most mature person in the world. I probably never will be. I have been called emotional by family members, I guess they think that is funny. The truth is my heart gets way to involved before my head does. I literally fall in love with everyone. Not in a weird way. Just in the way that I genuinely care about people. I want to help them in anyway I can. I want to fix their problems. I want them to think of me as their friend. Truth be known I am a completely awkward co-dependent person. My feelings depend on satisfying others. When I can't do that or I don't feel like I measure up that's when things fall apart for me. That is the first step admitting my faults. Realizing that without God and by myself I am helpless.

It was nearly 2 years ago that I committed to getting better. It wasn't until after we started attending Celebrate Recovery that I was able to realize my husband wasn't the only one with problems. I as able to use the 12 steps and 8 principles to better my life. This does not mean I don't struggle. This does not mean that there are days that I won't slip back to my own ways. Because my addiction is to people. I believe it is one of the hardest addictions not to relapse on, because truthfully it is one addiction that can be hidden very well.

But here is the good news. Day by day I have gotten better. I try to realize that I can't satisfy everyone. The hardest part is believing that. My anxiety level use to be insane. Like through the roof, lose my head, stark raving lunatic. My poor husband would take the brunt of it. I didn't know how to explain my hurt or my frustrations and it seemed when I shared with a "friend" they would disappear. No one wanted to fix my problems. No one wanted to help me, which shows me right here in this moment that maybe I wasn't the problem. Maybe it was my "friends" who had the problem with committing to someone with problems. Maybe God let them walk away so I could become stronger.

And I have become A LOT STRONGER!

 It is painful when you invest in people. You put time resources and so much effort into being there for someone. You begin to trust them. Then you make the mistake of sharing your struggles. Then they are gone.

This is why I have given up! Because no matter how hard I try no matter what I say or do I can't make people stay. I can't make them like me for me. I give, give, give, while people take, take, take. Pushing you to your limits until you want to walk away completely. Thinking in my best Steve Urkell voice.....Did I do that? Did I Push people away.

I will never know. It's not meant for me to know everything. But I do know I am growing. We have stepped away from our Recovery Program. It was in our families best interest to do so. But we continue to grow. My husband is over 2 years sober. I have continued my absence from McDonald's food. We continue to seek God and our family is much closer than we have ever been. I feel tremendously blessed, considering all we have been through over the past few years. I feel like God has molded me into a better person, instead of bitter one and for that I am forever grateful.