Being ALL IN

My Gosh it has been too long.....

Lagging computers and laziness have got the best of me. But when my brain won't stop I know its times to write. Time to let off some steam. Time to get it off my chest. Time to share my heart. So here it goes

A lot has happened since I last wrote. We have built our first home. We have been in our new home for about a month now and all I can say is We ARE BLESSED! Our hearts are full and we are excited to share with everyone what God has brought us through. But.... don't you know there is always a but. I struggle to understand the season that God has us in right now. I feel I am all in for Christ, but I feel there is so much resistance. I don't feel freedom. I feel stuck in a place where I am so disconnected from what I love. I feel like offering help is a sin and the walls are closing in.

My husband feels a strong calling on his life to preach and I am so proud of him. I am so proud of him for listening to God's call on his life and not resisting him. I know this calling is real and true, because of the change I see in my husband. I just don't know where I fit into it all. I pray, I seek God, I try to be as still as I can... for a homeschooling Mother of 3. But the truth is something is lacking in my life. I want to be better. Not better than anyone else. Just better than I was the day before. My heart fills with emotions that I don't understand, feelings of doubt and confusion. I know its a trap from satan, but it is something I have often struggled with in the past. So I don't always do better the next day. I want to but as I have learned in Celebrate Recovery through the Bible. Nothing good lives in me that is in my sinful nature for I have the desire to do what is right but I can't carry it out. Romans 7:18. Now I know I can't blame everything on sin. We live by our choices everyday. It's just so hard to not live there, to throw yourself a pity party and dwell in frustrations and disappointments. I know I have grown leaps and bounds but I still have a long way to go. CR has helped me so much. Its one of the reasons we feel so passionately about this ministry. Its the main reason we share what we have been through so others can see we were a jacked up family with crazy issues that God saw fit to set free from addiction, codependency, and depression.

And.... This is why I write because my thoughts are out and my heart feels lighter. Sometimes just getting a chance to get the words out helps sooth my soul. It helps me process my feelings and realize that tomorrow is a new day. That the struggles and worries of today may not even be a concern tomorrow. One day at a time. I just need to take one day at a time. Focusing on what God has led us to so he can see us through.