Being ALL IN

My Gosh it has been too long.....

Lagging computers and laziness have got the best of me. But when my brain won't stop I know its times to write. Time to let off some steam. Time to get it off my chest. Time to share my heart. So here it goes

A lot has happened since I last wrote. We have built our first home. We have been in our new home for about a month now and all I can say is We ARE BLESSED! Our hearts are full and we are excited to share with everyone what God has brought us through. But.... don't you know there is always a but. I struggle to understand the season that God has us in right now. I feel I am all in for Christ, but I feel there is so much resistance. I don't feel freedom. I feel stuck in a place where I am so disconnected from what I love. I feel like offering help is a sin and the walls are closing in.

My husband feels a strong calling on his life to preach and I am so proud of him. I am so proud of him for listening to God's call on his life and not resisting him. I know this calling is real and true, because of the change I see in my husband. I just don't know where I fit into it all. I pray, I seek God, I try to be as still as I can... for a homeschooling Mother of 3. But the truth is something is lacking in my life. I want to be better. Not better than anyone else. Just better than I was the day before. My heart fills with emotions that I don't understand, feelings of doubt and confusion. I know its a trap from satan, but it is something I have often struggled with in the past. So I don't always do better the next day. I want to but as I have learned in Celebrate Recovery through the Bible. Nothing good lives in me that is in my sinful nature for I have the desire to do what is right but I can't carry it out. Romans 7:18. Now I know I can't blame everything on sin. We live by our choices everyday. It's just so hard to not live there, to throw yourself a pity party and dwell in frustrations and disappointments. I know I have grown leaps and bounds but I still have a long way to go. CR has helped me so much. Its one of the reasons we feel so passionately about this ministry. Its the main reason we share what we have been through so others can see we were a jacked up family with crazy issues that God saw fit to set free from addiction, codependency, and depression.

And.... This is why I write because my thoughts are out and my heart feels lighter. Sometimes just getting a chance to get the words out helps sooth my soul. It helps me process my feelings and realize that tomorrow is a new day. That the struggles and worries of today may not even be a concern tomorrow. One day at a time. I just need to take one day at a time. Focusing on what God has led us to so he can see us through.

Committed

So it has been a very long time since I have written a BLOG. I ventured into the world of vlogging. My youngest daughter and I do it for fun. We mostly record haul videos and outings we take. A lot has changed since my last blog, we moved to Alabama and back to Florida. (We missed Florida too much) The biggest change came in Alabama when we started homeschooling all of our children. I didn't know if I could do it. I didn't know if I would have the patience. But Chase graduated and I gained the confidence to continue with the others. The struggle is real though! Why? You may ask! 3 girls...3 different personalities....3 different styles of learning....not to mention a ton of different subjects!

So what do we do we roll with the punches! Daily! Some days we have structure and routine. Some days we fly by the seat of our pants. Today Lauren and MaKenna learned about Prime and Composite numbers. You may ask why are they learning together or even the same subjects. Lauren was held back early on in school and has always had a maturity level that surpassed those in her age group but struggled in some subjects and it was evident when we moved to Alabama. Lauren was bullied and it was heartbreaking to watch. When we approached the school they made excuses and when we asked if the girls were disciplined they told us it was a private matter and that was the last straw. We had been through numerous issues in public schools and always got the same story. If they could not protect our children we had too. There was one other option. Private school! Cha Ching! That was not going to happen! It was just too much money. So we decided to go the home school route. It was only a few months after withdrawing our kids from school we decided to move back to Florida. We thought long and hard and prayed before we made the decision to complete their education as home schooled students. We try to have fun with the kids. I like to think outside of the box with teaching them. Like the picture above. Some may think this is child's play. Well it kinda is. I pick a category and they spell a word from the blocks. They are scored by the number of letters, how quickly they finish their word, and if it spelled correctly. Its a word build game. It sharpens their mind. It makes them think outside of the box and they enjoyed it so much they asked dad to play when he got home from work today! So instead of sitting in front of a pile of homework they get to enjoy their dad and learn. I love that because he is included in their education which is such a blessing. I hope the kids will look back on these days and maybe even this blog one day and see how much I cared about them. I hope they will reflect on things they learned at home with their siblings

Beauty is skin deep.

Beauty is kind, not sometimes but all the time.
Beauty is meek, not over bearing.
Beauty is sharing, what you dont have too.
Beauty is doing, for nothing in return.
Beauty is being real.
Beauty is not spiteful.
Beauty is forgiving.
Beauty is Truth.
Beauty is your favorite place.

Beauty has a purpose.

Ugly is mean.
Ugly is is ALWAYS RIGHT.
Ugly is greed.
Ugly is doing only for attention.
Ugly is two faced.
Ugly is spiteful
Ugly is unforgiving.
Ugly is lies.
Ugly is uninviting.

Ugly has a purpose too.


Are you Beauty or are you ugly? I definitely see some areas in my live I could work on. I see some beauty in my favor, but I also see some ugliness too. I want to be beautiful. I want to be all those things listed above. (On the Beauty list) So this is a new day, a new beginning. I pray that God will lead me to be a better person today and tomorrow than I was in the days before. I pray he strengthens me to what he wants me to be! My heart is open Lord come in and make it clean. Make me whole so I can do righteous works through you and for you while I am here on this earth. Give me strength when I feel defeated, give those who have hurt me eyes to see my pain. Make them beautiful too. Give me courage to speak truth from your word and not what I believe to be true. Give me faith to stand tall. Give me kind words even when I want to complain. Lord allow me to be a light for you, allow me to be beautiful once again, but only though your works. Thank you Lord for hearing my prayer. Thank you Lord for constantly molding my heart to make me new again.  Thank you for supportive friends. Thank you for making me for a purpose. Thank you for blessing our family with a awesome testimony. Thank you for all you do for my family. Thank you for what you are going to continue to do! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for 2015 and what is going to happen in this year, I can feel your presence and I just know this year going to be awesome! AMEN!

Where ever you go I will follow.

As most of you know I have or had been a military spouse for 16 years. Mike retired this year and I thought our days of travel were over. I never thought we would be picking up and moving, especially out of the state of Florida. But our plans are not always God's plans and so here we are. Sitting in a hotel in Mississippi. Mike and I had spent much time in prayer about his career path. In the beginning I was ready to GO. It didn't matter when or where I was ready. Then I started to believe we were not meant to GO, as willing as I was it just wasn't happening. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and before you knew it we had been out of work for 5 months. When I look back on that and see God's hand on our lives and how he used people around us to bless and sustain us during that time I truly am blown away by his love for our family. One of the first people to help our family walked up to me in church one night and said "God told me to do this and when God speaks I listen." I walked away thinking awe how nice. But when I opened the card and saw a gift of $500.00 I couldn't believe my eyes. Bills were due, it was nearing time for school to start and here was this blessing to help our family. We had not asked for a dime. We had not told anyone how bad it really was. We put a smile on our faces and continued to go to church and be who God was asking us to be. At that time it was teachers in our church kids department. Our hearts were filled to the brim as week after week we taught children about God's love and some of those simple messages began to grow in our hearts. One of those verses was Luke 16:10 Those who can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much. There is more to the verse but this was the part we taught to the children. We taught K-2 grade.

We lived in a small trailer. There were times we would go to church really not thinking we had enough gas to go or get home. We had Mike's retirement and we were able to get food assistance through the SNAP program. My little trips out shopping came to a screeching halt. The very little shopping I was able to do was at a thrift store. A pay by the pound thrift store. Mike would occasionally give me a small allowance just so I could get out of the house and feel normal. When the SNAP benefits would come through it felt like Christmas. I had never looked forward to grocery shopping as much as I did during that time.  As I look back at those little moments I am so thankful for my husband and the little things he did to bring a smile to my face during those hard times.

Then one day Mike got a phone call. It was a phone interview. Then he got another phone call asking him to go to Alabama for an interview. The company paid all expenses. THEN he got on a plane to come home....and before he even got off the plane, they had called to speak with Mike. We got a call that evening and Mike was given a verbal offer. Our minds were blown. The offer was beyond our dreams and expectations and to be honest we knew it was a gift from God. The next few weeks were a whirl wind. From saying good-byes and spending Thanksgiving with family to leaving the Sunday after so Mike could be at work on Monday morning. I am still amazed that God made everything happen so fast so that we were able to be together as a family. We came with Mike as a family and the company has provided 30 days of living expenses, and things have been so crazy. We have been looking for a place to live and there have been times when it has been very stressful. It is a lot to think about especially around the Holidays, but when things get crazy and I feel like I might break down I just think about how God has orchestrated this whole job, move, miracle. This couldn't have happened with out several miracles taking place. Don't get me wrong, I am a little sad that I am sitting in a hotel a week before Christmas. I am a little sad that we haven't done any Christmas shopping. I am a little sad I am not able to cook for my family and have a decent meal without having to spend ungodly amounts of money feeding a family of 6. I am a little sad that each day I feel more and more like I am living in the movie Groundhog Day!

BUT

I wouldn't change it for anything! And here is why, We are together!

If there is anything I have learned on this path it is that God is walking this path with us and just when I think he isn't there, he proves otherwise. So I have really been working on following him instead of trying to guide him with what I want. I have to believe in what the Bible says, that the desires of my heart the ones that really matter aren't just matters of the heart but that they truly mean something to God. For I am his child and his plans are for my family to prosper and not to harm us. So my prayer is to be more like Ruth. To be a follower of God and not someone who tries to convince God that my ways are better than his. Because never in my dreams could I have dreamt up this amazing opportunity for our family. To be honest my plans probably would have kept us in Florida, around everything and everyone that was familiar to me. But not God, :) he shakes us up and turns us loose in a unfamiliar place to think of new ways to serve him. This is where my heart goes back to all those who helped us during our struggles. We have already thought of ways to spread the love of Jesus and they may be the subject of my next blog but for now. I am going to close with this, we are humble and thankful for our family and friends who support us and love us no matter where we are. The phone calls, the text messages, the emails mean so much more than you will ever know. We are truly blessed beyond measure and we will never forget you all!

Being Different is GREAT

I know it's been awhile.....No Excuses.

Our Pastor has often said show me your bank account and I will show you where your heart is, or even where your idols are. Almost 27 months ago my husband was cured from an alcohol addiction. Almost everyday before that of our marriage alcohol was purchased. If we had only used a credit card that gave detailed descriptions of our purchases you would see daily alcohol purchases. There would be days where multiple purchases were made in a single day. It was my husbands idol.

Mine was just money in general. I would shop to shop. It would numb the pain of living with an alcoholic and it was a struggle. I would buy things I couldn't afford, or my husband would buy things for me that we couldn't afford to make up for an argument we had the night before about drinking. Our spending was out of control to say the least.

As we began attending Journey Church we began to learn and grow. A few weeks after being there Mike began his sobriety and things began to change. If you think I am going to say everything was great and glorious, well you are right but it was only for what seemed like a brief moment. Because when the devil loses you he will try everything he can to distract you from God. Knowing that he can not pluck you from God's hand he will try to steal your time. He will try to distract you and pull you away from growth with God.

Mike and I dated again. We fell in love again. We as a couple were growing stronger than we ever had been before. We were serving all over our church. Our hearts were on fire. Then another attack. July 2013. This time it was something we never thought would happen. We placed our trust in someone who took advantage of our family. These events landed us in courts fighting a battle we obviously never would have chosen ourselves. Shaking us to our core. We began to pull away, when we should have pressed in. But thankfully we would encourage each other.  We would encourage our kids. When one was weak the other was strong. When we didn't feel like going to church we went anyway. When we felt God wasn't answering our prayers we prayed harder and asked for prayer. Each day we grew. We grew closer to God and we grew up in the spirit. And now that we are so close to seeing this thing through to the end it gives me a sense of pride knowing we did everything we could to keep this from happening again. One final court date, please pray October 15th.

We are different. We don't drink and some people don't understand that. It's ok though because it is our conviction though God that gives us this spirit of Sobriety. We are also different because we are very clear where we stand on the subject. If you ask us we will tell you how it nearly ruined our marriage. How our children were hurting for their dad and not an alcoholic absent father. (Not physically, just mentally) It is a different that I am proud of everyday.

Now as for my change, it came after Mike retired. My spending came to a screeching halt when our last military paycheck came and a job opportunity was no where in sight. Mike applied day after day, and he would get rejection after rejection. Thinking back I wish he would have kept track of each one so we could/can see what God's plan is. Each rejection has been harder and harder. So many promises and so many broken. Again sending us into this crazy place where we are pleading to God for his help and provision over our family. Each day he has taken care of us. WE HAVE NOT HAD A NEED that WAS NOT FULFILLED. Everything we have needed has been handed to us by wonderful friends and family. Sometimes without even asking. Blessings have just flowed in and I couldn't be more grateful. The hard part was staying home. Not going to Target and being able to get whatever I wanted. All spending has had to be at a minimal. We have had to get creative with Birthdays. We are on a budget that is tighter than tight, but again we have learned from it daily. We have grown closer to our kids, they are serving now in church. They are learning the books of the Bible. I couldn't ask for more and all those material things that I "thought" were desires of my heart were just junk compared to what we have in Jesus and in our true family and friends. I am thankful for those who have prayed over us over these past few years and I pray that we can pay forward all the kind things that people have done for us to others in need.

***** The praise report is it seems that Mike has found a job, but the details are still in the works and once I have them all I will share more. God is Good all the time. Looking back and seeing that one set of footprints that carried our family through is truly a blessing. I will be forever grateful.*****

So when people say "you are different." I am ok with that. I feel like the difference is Jesus, and without him I would be the same.....if that makes sense? If there was no change, then no one would see Jesus in me. They would just see me as the "Same" person I use to be. So when people say I see a difference in you it makes me beam with pride, the pride in knowing Jesus saved my marriage, he gave me courage to stand tall to a monster, and most importantly he gave himself so that I might have all these things and more in heaven with him. I am forever thankful. I am thankful for a foundation in Christ that has helped me to grow to this point and will continue to lead me in additional spiritual growth.

Awkward

I can give you one guarantee right here and right now! I am not the most mature person in the world. I probably never will be. I have been called emotional by family members, I guess they think that is funny. The truth is my heart gets way to involved before my head does. I literally fall in love with everyone. Not in a weird way. Just in the way that I genuinely care about people. I want to help them in anyway I can. I want to fix their problems. I want them to think of me as their friend. Truth be known I am a completely awkward co-dependent person. My feelings depend on satisfying others. When I can't do that or I don't feel like I measure up that's when things fall apart for me. That is the first step admitting my faults. Realizing that without God and by myself I am helpless.

It was nearly 2 years ago that I committed to getting better. It wasn't until after we started attending Celebrate Recovery that I was able to realize my husband wasn't the only one with problems. I as able to use the 12 steps and 8 principles to better my life. This does not mean I don't struggle. This does not mean that there are days that I won't slip back to my own ways. Because my addiction is to people. I believe it is one of the hardest addictions not to relapse on, because truthfully it is one addiction that can be hidden very well.

But here is the good news. Day by day I have gotten better. I try to realize that I can't satisfy everyone. The hardest part is believing that. My anxiety level use to be insane. Like through the roof, lose my head, stark raving lunatic. My poor husband would take the brunt of it. I didn't know how to explain my hurt or my frustrations and it seemed when I shared with a "friend" they would disappear. No one wanted to fix my problems. No one wanted to help me, which shows me right here in this moment that maybe I wasn't the problem. Maybe it was my "friends" who had the problem with committing to someone with problems. Maybe God let them walk away so I could become stronger.

And I have become A LOT STRONGER!

 It is painful when you invest in people. You put time resources and so much effort into being there for someone. You begin to trust them. Then you make the mistake of sharing your struggles. Then they are gone.

This is why I have given up! Because no matter how hard I try no matter what I say or do I can't make people stay. I can't make them like me for me. I give, give, give, while people take, take, take. Pushing you to your limits until you want to walk away completely. Thinking in my best Steve Urkell voice.....Did I do that? Did I Push people away.

I will never know. It's not meant for me to know everything. But I do know I am growing. We have stepped away from our Recovery Program. It was in our families best interest to do so. But we continue to grow. My husband is over 2 years sober. I have continued my absence from McDonald's food. We continue to seek God and our family is much closer than we have ever been. I feel tremendously blessed, considering all we have been through over the past few years. I feel like God has molded me into a better person, instead of bitter one and for that I am forever grateful.

It hasn't always been easy.

There are times when life tries to knock you down. It comes in different shapes and forms. But I have learned these are all trials and how you react to them is where your true character shows. I feel like I am on the mountain top and the scenery around me is full of beauty. I know trouble will come, it always does! But for this moment I am basking in the blessings bestowed upon our family. I am encouraged by the growth in our family with Jesus Christ. I am thankful for our church family that encourages that growth. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is forgiveness. I will always remember the harsh words people said to me. I will always remember that high school bully who tormented me. I will always remember those people I cared for deeply that turned their back and walked away, but I truly have forgiven them. It has taken time but now understand some people just aren't meant to be in our lives forever, no matter how bad we want them to be.

In the past I have reacted out of hurt, when I hurt I speak. Absolutely the wrong thing to do. Because when you speak before you think your words aren't clear and even less are your emotions. You will say things you don't mean and even through those words you can lose friends. It's happened before, but my prayer is that I won't lose friends to my loose cannon.

When I think about how my mouth has disrespected my husband it breaks my heart. I was harsh and cruel to him over the years. Some may say he deserved it, but in doing so I was not honoring God. and if there is anything I have learned over the past couple of years I need to do more of that. Which I have. Our love has grown so much over these past few years. My husband use to question my love him when we would argue when he had been drinking and I remember telling you I love you but I don't like you. I know it was a hurtful thing to say but there was so much hurt in both of our heart I think we already knew what the other was thinking or feeling.

 (I am so sorry Honey, for all my hurtful words but I am thankful that we are here standing strong today with all we have been through sobriety still intact I am so proud of you everyday!)

The other day we were driving down the road and that subject came up and I shared with him that "I really, really, really liked him again." We have been constructing our home, not our house but our home again. Building it step by step with kind words, affection, and spending time together. We have dated more in the past year than we probably ever have, and here is the best part we enjoyed it. We lost so much but in reality we have gained so much more. We gained a brand new life. We succeeded in not getting a divorce. We have served as a family feeding the homeless. We have been humbled. We have been blessed. Our strength is in giving to the Lord and our hope is in him. We may never be a perfect couple, we may never have the perfect kids, or family but one thing is for sure we are going to try our best to raise Godly kids and continue to strengthen our marriage in any way we can.