A Leap of FAITH

The clock has just struck midnight, and I am awake with only my thoughts. I have started this blog several times and deleted my entries. Where do I begin? Will my words express who I am or will they give people a falseness of who they think I am. Why does it matter?

It matters because we all want to be something! Even if we don't know what it is. We all want to feel loved. We don't want to keep secrets that hurt our hearts. We want to live in a world that is peaceful and not corrupt. We want to believe, as people tell us, that everything will be OK.

I believe in my heart I knew I was destined to marry a Military Man. The thought of leaving my small town and finding myself seemed to be the perfect fairy tale. He would be sharply dressed in a uniform, he would sweep me off my feet, and we would leave the small town and never look back. Well only to see family of course!

I was a little too late! When I met my sweetheart he was already out of the Navy. But I knew my heart was filled with love for him so I gave up on the dream of leaving the small town and fell into the dreams of building a life in that same small town I once swore I would leave. We dated, got married, and began our marriage in a small trailer. It wasn't much and if it had not been for my parents we probably wouldn't have had that. We had no idea what we were getting into. IT was a leap of FAITH.

People had doubts about our marriage. The first year was definitely not the honeymoon faze for us. My husband and I both bounced from job to job. With no education, and no real skills, we were going no where fast. Not long after our wedding day we found out we were expecting our first child. We had to grow up fast and make decisions that would change both our lives forever. Mike decided he would go back into the Navy. It was so neat to me I was getting my wish. I was leaving the small town to live out my fairy tale.

Being a Navy spouse started out like a roller coaster ride there were crazy turns all over the place. I felt like a fish out of water for so long. I didn't know the terms, I didn't know the difference between RATE and RANK. Mike's family was made of sailors. They knew everything and I felt left behind. It took me a while, but I started getting the hang of being a Navy Spouse.

After living in Florida for all my life, I couldn't imagine where our first set of orders would take us. Mike called after finishing A School with the news Brunswick, Maine! WHAT? WOW? WAIT.... I am leaving the small town I have known all my life and moving where.... I was so excited and disappointed at the same time. I wanted this. I knew it would be good for us. But Maine was so far away from my momma! I remember whispering in her ear the day we left, "I feel like I am losing my best friend." It was hard. She was my best friend, and when you move that far away you don't feel like you are really apart of the family anymore. You miss out on so many things. You call home 20 times in a day when you are feeling lonely, only to get the feeling that you are annoying anyone who answers the phone.

There were times I hated being that far away from my family. There were times I loved it. WE only had each other to depend on and sometimes it worked and others, well I called home crying to my momma! Maine was wonderful, I miss the snowflakes falling and seeing the Red White and Blue of the American flags flying in the snowy winds, from most homes on the base.

The next set of orders would take us to Pensacola, Fl. 5 hours from home. How Wonderful! We will be close to our families again. This duty station seemed like a blur it went by so fast. We were there during Hurricane Ivan and evacuated. It was one of few memories I have of this place. There really isn't much to say, except for the fact that it got us to where we are today. Back home in Jacksonville, FL.

We came here to do 4 years of sea duty that would roll us into our final stretch to retirement. We did 2 deployments here and thought we were done. The last one was suppose to be the final one. But it came to the attention of ADMIN that Mike would end up 3 months short, so they extended him Through march, which told us there was a possibility of him going on deployment again. Well guess what, the papers were filed and he will go. Again! It is hard. When I think about it I want to cry. My kids say that the "people at daddy's work are mean" they don't understand because mommy and daddy told them the last one was it. How do you explain to your child that God and the Navy have other plans.....

Some people say we are crazy to get out with the economy the way it is after doing our 20. But I know families who have walked away with nothing at 14, 8, 10 years in. We will do our 20 but that will be the end. People say that the deployments get easier, they are lying. your heart breaks every time they leave and when you bring children into it you watch their hearts break time and time again as well. It takes a strong woman to do this job, and I sometimes feel like I am the weakest Navy wife out there. I feel like I let him down, when I tell him I need him and I don't want him to go. It is not easy to watch them leave and miss 3 Christmas' and Birthdays galore. It is not easy when you have a weepy day and have to explain to your child why are crying in the closet. It is not easy giving YOU my husband whenever this country calls him for duty. So remember this the next time you see a single mom standing in a grocery store with a 2 year old crying on her leg while she tries to juggle groceries onto the belt. For we don't wear the uniform for all of you to see, but we carry the ones who do, in our hearts while they are overseas!