Some times it is hard in this self gratifying world to think of anyone else but yourself. I know there are times when my heart turns so cold and hard to those I feel whom have wronged me in some way. I get on my high horse and let them steal my sunshine. Why? When did it become all about me? I keep my doors shut and I my eyes shut even tighter. All the while thinking about how rough things are in this moment for me. Let me Share.
Don't Laugh
I am a stay at home mom, and my husband for now is working nights.
This means I don't get very much me time. (the kids are driving me bananas)
It has come to the end of our tour of duty here and now we don't know where we are going, if Mike will deploy in December which is nearing 5 months from now.
I am not happy with myself because I am an overweight under achiever who loves with all her heart but rarely finds love in return.
My phone seldom rings and when it does the person on the other end wants money or to talk to my children.
So see I live a sad pitiful life.
I hear you laughing, this is what I thought. This is what I believed in my heart. It is how depression can creep in and take away everything you own. It consumes you and when you let it it can destroy you.
I have seen people from my past over this last week. One who has a daughter with Cancer, she is a beautiful10 year old girl with a smile that can only come from heaven. She ran and played with the other children. Her bald head just as beautiful as her smile, nothing is stopping her, she is charging ahead. Even though Doctor's have said it is an uphill battle, her courage amazed me. She doesn't think about tomorrow, she instead lives as a child would, not really thinking about what tomorrow holds.
Oh to have the courage of a child!
Yet another person crossed my path, this one through the Internet. I saw a bunch of my friends joining a group and wondered if I knew the person running it. I went and of course there was a connection. We were in class together, my senior year even though she was younger. Well, her husband has cancer, I thought "wow someone else." Cancer seems to be grabbing hold of so many families. But this wasn't the heart breaker. As I read more details I found a blog that she had started. Her and her husband have struggled with infertility. As I read her blog I cried and I cried. I felt guilty for having 4 beautiful healthy Children. She along with others I have known to struggle with this, are so deserving. Why? I couldn't help but laugh through some of the tears as she is very animated and very honest. I can't imagine living without my children now that I have them and I can't imagine what it must feel like for a woman to hear that she may never be able to have children of her own.
Now the next person is not someone I have ever met, but I have followed her story from the very beginning and that would be Mrs Lisa. She is the mother of Alex Ross. He was Shot in the head by a friend? after going to his house to hang out one afternoon. Alex was given 3 hours to live and he has proved everyone that he has a purpose. The media has had a field day with the stories and recently brought to light that Alex may have helped steal the gun he was shot with. Comments have flooded the paper and the majority of them were negative. My heart broke for her as the cruelty had obviously taken its toll on her. I believe there was a purpose and a reason for him to be here. A Miracle took place in that hospital that night. For anyone to judge and point fingers is so harsh. Like Mrs. Lisa isn't heartbroken enough by the allegations.
This story should have been enough, but it wasn't. It wasn't enough to make me feel like I had a lot to be grateful for. I mean it did for awhile, but then it wore off. That is what depression does to you it sneaks in. Once you are tuned into "it's all about me mode" it's hard to break that. You find yourself apologizing to the people you love and your friends. Those who are your true friends stick around and the others well all they can see is the negative. It is hard. I have had people tell me to my face I am negative, it hurts, I wish I could just wake up every morning with SUNSHINE in my heart, but there are days when that is harder than others. So if you stick around and you read these silly blogs, well let me once again say thank you. You mean more to me than you will ever know. Because only you see my heart. I pour it out here in my writing. In late night confessions, I try to see the light. Kinda ironic..... huh!
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