Are you FAT?

I know I am!

It is all spelled out right here in front of me in black, white, and blue. The colors of the paper I am holding in my hand from a Body Composition Test. I could cry. IT makes me sick, how did I let myself get this way? 112 pounds of fat weight. 116 of Lean weight. For a grand total of 228 pounds. Last year I was down to about 209. So since last year I have gained nearly 20 pounds. OUCH! My body is nearly 50% fat.

For so many years I have put myself on a back burner. Taking care of everyone and everything around me but never looking in the mirror to see what I needed. Now it seems like MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. How do you get rid of half of your body? How do you get rid of that much fat? The sad thing is today should have been an eye opener but instead it just made me want a Cheeseburger that much more! Part of me says why bother, and the other part says because you need to be healthy. I could eat health food all day but it is not simple. Sadly enough I have never steamed vegi's in my house unless it has been in one of those bags that are ready to be streamed in the microwave. Not to mention the food is not cheap. Especially when only a few in the house will eat it.

Anyway this is how my day went.

My appointment was actually sceduled for tomorrow, but there was a mix up and I went today. Upon arriving, I was greeted by some really awesome people. First they took my blood pressure which was 135/87 but my resting pulse was 119. My pulse is always high. They explained to me about the Bod Pod and how it works. It is kinda small and I started to freak out a little in the beginning. I don't think I have ever been confined to that small of a space. The tests were quick though, so it wasn't too bad. Next I had to walk on the treadmill. They start you out at a 3.3 speed, and a level 3 incline. They would ask after 3 minutes how you felt. I felt fine, but after 6 minutes they stopped me. You are suppose to make it to 12 minutes, but my pulse was racing at at nearly 180. I was suppse to max out at 159, but the lady doing the test was a nurse and wanted to see if it would level off or contnue to climb, it kept climbing after 159 and got up to 178. The nurse explained that all people are different and if the DR knows that my pulse runs high he could still send a note for me to work out. The whole point of going and doing this is just that to work out and getting a personal trainer. Someone that will focus on helping me and not just telling me I can do this.

Well driving home I thought about this whole process and how it went. It seems like there are so many hurdles to jump over to get to where you need to be. After that whole ordeal, I feel sick, my head is pounding and I feel sick to my stomach. On top of all that I get to cook dinner, if I cook anything less than healthy I will feel guilty for the rest of the night.

I have had people tell you me "You can do this" and I have had some tell me "You won't do it". The truth is both of them are right, I can do it, I can do anything I put my mind to, but I won't do it until I feel like I can. Will I ever feel that way? I honestly don't know.

It is hard I have a husband who loves me whole heartedly, but does not understand why I want to be thin, it's not just about being thin, it's about being healthy too! It's about having the energy to do anything I want to do. To not get tired or winded after 6 minutes of walking. My husband tells me how beautiful I am, and makes me feel great and guilty at the same time. I know I have been blessed with a very special guy who would and will love me know matter what, but I want to be truly beautiful for him. To make that happen I need to believe in myself that I am beautiful.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and this beholder hasn't seen beauty in the mirror in a long time. I smile on the outside when on the inside my heart and my soul are breaking. I don't feel like I can do it alone, and really don't want to do it alone. And Mike if you are reading this, I know you always say you will help but sometimes work gets in the way. Not to mention it is hard to share this journey with a male. Men lose weight quicker, and for me that is discouraging when I don't see my numbers going down. I love you and I know you will support the decisions I make, but this has to be done by me. It has to be done for me.

So the only question now is, will the journey begin? Or will I once again put myself onn the back burner?