Love and Anger

Holding anger is a poison...It eats you from inside...We think that by hating someone we hurt them...But hatred is a curved blade...and the harm we do to others...we also do to ourselves...

This was quoted in a movie I recently watched. It spoke volumes to me. Anger can be called many things, but it all leads down a road of being unhappy. It can be called frustration and drama. These are words we use to soften the real feelings of anger and resentment we have towards people. Sometimes we feel it is others starting or causing the frustration and drama, but if we look within ourselves it probably starts right there.

God knows I love my husband but he can be a hot head. He takes offense to most things and when he does, he gets defensive. He puts a wall up and once that happens it takes a miracle to bring it down. I don't exactly know what causes his heart to harden at the slightest things, but its something that has taken years to get use too. My love for him has not wavered since the day we met, but I will say it has changed. I hope most will understand where I am coming from.

There is always that honeymoon phase, where everything is wonderful. No wrong can be done. That didn't last long for us as we introduced a new baby to our marriage only a year after being married. From that day on the love shifted, not completely away from us but in the direction of our child. This happened for both of us. Chase became our world. Don't get me wrong we love Chase completely, but we didn't have much of a bonding time for ourselves. We didn't have that time to connect on a more spiritual level. From then on the babies kept coming. We did nothing to prevent it and went with the flow. We lived in those moments, the moments of always having babies in the house. I lived in the moment of being a stay at home mom and he lived in the moment of being daddy and provider. Still the focus was on the kids and as each of our daughters arrived I fell more in love with the thought of being a stay at home mom. Not ever thinking that job would end. I know what some of you may be thinking, "she still has kids and they are school age." "She can still be a stay at home mom." It is true, but now with them all in school I search for a purpose.

For so long I have given to everyone else. I have raised my kids and they have all left for school. I have supported my husband while he has been away for a grand total of 2 and a half years of our marriage. Even being back near family, I feel I have done my fair share of helping them. So what am I getting at? I guess I feel lost in this new world and even though it has only been a few days, it feels empty and lonely.

My husband brought up a fact yesterday that we have been married for 13 years.That it kinda scares him because you see so many divorces after this many years and more. I believe I know why, I believe it is because those new young parents like ourselves, took their eyes off each other and set them on the kids for so long. After so many years when the kids are all gone they look at each other. They hardly remember the person they married and after all the growing up they do they might not like what they see. So instead of trying to mend and find the love they once knew they figure it is too late and they decide to just move on.

Mike and I are lucky to have both sets of parents still married to their first love. The trials that both relationships have endured make it easy to see the love that each couple shares is an amazing bond. I believe in my heart Mike and I have that same special bond, but we have taken our eyes off of each other for too long. We need to take time for ourselves and show each other the love of our honeymoon phase. Pulling ourselves away from the "frustration" and the "drama" of the world. Believing what we believed on our wedding day, that our love will last forever. But most importantly living that way and learning to love that way.

There are days when my "drama" hinders our love and there are days when his "frustration" hinders our love. I don't want to end up with up with so much anger in our hearts that we can't see such a beautiful love right in front of our faces. Taking for granted the little things that brought us together in the first place. Sometimes we focus too much on the bad in the world instead of the good. I wish I could find blinders and make all the bad just go away. The hurt and the pain he has felt. The disappointment and humility cast upon him. I wish I could just make it all go away. So that the only thing he could feel was my love, my warmth, my heart beating for him. Maybe with just a glimpse of that he wouldn't harden his heart and build so many walls.