Doing my Best

When I want something I go after it! Whether its right or wrong, whether its my time or God's timing I just Go! Well at least this has been the way I have done things in the past. But I am learning! With the help of my 12 step program I am learning daily. Some people might ask why I am doing this. My response is 1. I am not perfect and I have defects of character just like anyone and everyone! 2. I know there are areas of my life that I really want help with and this seemed to be the best answer for me. 3. Any chance to grow closer to God is a Golden Opportunity!

Through the first book I have learned so much. I learned to come out of my denial, to really think about how my actions have affected people and to realize that I needed to make amends. In trying to do so I was shot down twice. Once with no response at all and once with someone saying "it's over, move on, get over it!" Speaking of a past friendship. OUCH! It did hurt me deeply, but I feel like I can't carry that with me forever. I know I did things in my past that were not kind. I know that I have not always did things according to God's purpose and now I realize that season is over. AS much as I wanted those friendships to work for one reason or another there end is now OK with me. It just means God has other blessings in store for me.

The hardest part of making amends for me has been accepting what in the moment felt like failure in friendships. In my mind I never thought I wouldn't be forgiven. Maybe because of TV or movies and the fairy tales they portray on every reality show? I was given a false sense of what Forgiveness really was. But as I have learned through these steps forgiveness can be given and not accepted.

Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to o so would injure them or others.

Maybe it hurt them more to think about forgiving me, than it did me to actually forgive them? I can't ask them why, I can't go to them anymore. That chapter is closed. So I can only reflect and try to learn from what I remember about the situation! Funny how that goes huh! Of course it will be a one sided story. What do I remember about the last times we talked? What did we argue about? Why did all this begin? I will tell you why! I became offended. My expectations were too high. Life has a funny way of making us think everything is owed to us. I know I deserve great things. Why? Because I am a good person and I am a child of God. He wants me to prosper, the Bible tells me so. My intentions were and never will be to hurt anyone. I have been on the receiving end and I don't want to be the giver or receiver of pain.  But sometimes in that moment we can act in a way that makes us unlikeable, unapproachable. The Me's and I's overshadow the real problem that actually began with YOU! The hardest part is forgiving yourself. As for me I have learned from my mistakes and I will continue to move forward no more looking back. My focus is on healing and learning to serve God daily. I am super proud of who I am becoming. With God all things are possible!