High School Bully

I believe evil is alive and well. I know it was in my high school days and it is no different these days.

Today I was working on my step study book. If you don't know I am currently in a 12 step program. Not because of drugs or alcohol, but because my life spiraled out of control somewhere during my youth. The choices I made were mostly bad and I hurt people along the way. I never really thought about it until now. Going through these steps is not easy. Well it was a breeze in the beginning. The first book was simple. Coming out of denial was something I did with pride and ease. This week I was ahead of myself and came to screeching halt at Inventory. As I started to answer these questions honestly, I looked to my past and realized that I let someone from my high school days have a big part of me! (I am not a name dropper so don't ask)

High school is a battle field. Some people go through it without being seen and go on to bigger an better things. Some can't go unrecognized, always having to be in the spot light. Most of us just try to make it day to day without becoming the butts of people's jokes. For some reason I found myself on the receiving end of those jokes all to often.

It was crazy one minute I had friends and then things changed, the friends I once had were now hanging out with this new person. A spiteful, mean spirited person. Maybe I could have joined in and walked along with them and belittled all those within their eye site, but I never felt comfortable around those kind of actions. So the people I had been friends with all through junior high all went their own ways. Occasionally we would speak but it just wasn't the same.

Many times I can remember the sting of her words. Her laugh is tattooed on my brain and I will never forget the way she tried to make me feel even on graduation night. So why do I speak of these things now? When addressing the past we are asked to recall our earliest memories. Then we are asked to fill out our Celebrate Recovery Principle 4 Inventory Worksheet.

1. The person: Who is the person who is the object of resentment and fear?
2. The Cause:What specific action did that person take that hurt me?
3. The effect: What effect did that action have on my life?
4. The damage: What damage did that action do to my basic social, security, and/or sexual instincts?
5. My part: What part of the resentment am I responsible for?

I will not name her here.

She bullied me.... not once but many times. Even on what was suppose to be an awesome night.... my actual last night of school.... graduation night!

I have guarded my heart because the friends I had left me for her? What did she have that I didn't? Why would someone leave me for a mean spirited bully?

I ran from my problems. I was paralyzed by fear and chose not to go to school (college) because I was afraid  the torment would continue at the local college.

I let her hold on to me for so long. She has had a part of my heart. A part that wouldn't let me love my friends unconditionally, a part of me that I let her have for several years. When I think about her I get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel that hurt and embarrassment of the cruel words she said to me. Maybe some were true? But who was she to always try and put me in my place? As I wrote out these deep rooted feelings that I had buried for so long my heart and my soul just broke into pieces all over again. The funny part..... she has no clue! So why would I let this consume me for so long? Well it's probably because of co-dependency. Who knows when it started? Maybe when I started losing all my friends to my bully?

Who ever said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt!" Must have been the biggest bully ever! They probably said it to make themselves feel better about being a bully!

I don't know that I would change anything if I could. But I do know its time to let go. I have no desire to talk to her, ran into her at a store a few years back and she spoke to me like she had never been rude a day in her life. REALLY? All those mean things you said and you actually have the nerve to speak to me. How soon they forget! Well I never forgot! Those words are etched in my brain and those feelings were etched in my heart.

Were you a bully? Were you ever bullied? If you were either this is my challenge to you......

Let's spread some good. Evil is every where! Where is the good? What can you do today that will show God lives in you? What can you do to brighten someones day? Let's take back this world and make it see that there is no need for bullying, no need for evil! WE can all do this one kind gesture at a time. This step study is amazing. I am so proud to be a part of it and can't wait for all the freedom it brings, because after this one simple release I feel like a million bucks!