Selfish

For a long time it was easy for me to be very selfish. As my life has been changing I feel I have been less of the word. I played the pitiful part really well. Sharing with friends about my husbands addiction and playing the victim became very easy for me. I guess you could say it was a place I became comfortable with. Not completely comfortable, but I was in a place where I could manipulate people. They felt sorry for me and helped me out of jams that not only my husband had gotten us into but I had as well.

It all began many years ago when I watched my husband drink day in and day out. My escape was to shop. If I had money I would spend it. Mike didn't care as long as he had his escape. (alcohol) For a long time I thought he was trying to keep me happy but the truth is he was kinda oblivious. I mean he would know the money was gone when it ran out. We lived paycheck to paycheck. I would shop for anything, mostly stuff for the kids. Toys, clothes, shoes. It didn't have to be for me as long as I could get away from the house and spend money. I believe that getting out of the house was also a way to keep him from drinking. If we were on the roads early in our marriage he wouldn't drink. He may have a beer at dinner but he would max out at 2, worst case 3. So as you can see I would even try to manipulate him, getting him away from the house so he would not drink. Thinking I could fix him was one of the biggest jokes I played on myself. All I did was destroy me. I created a monster in myself. A selfish monster that put our family at risk for financial despair. Of course I wasn't the only one who put our family through hardship but I was in my right mind.....most of the time.

Now there has been a turn about in our lives and Mike is living a life of sobriety. But has that changed me. Nope. As a matter of fact I feel like I am struggling more now than I did when he was drinking.  As he has been freed from drinking I feel stuck in Co-dependency. I am completely overwhelmed with not feeling complete. I feel the pressure to be something, someone. My husband seems to be forming/finding his identity very quickly in Christ. While I feel like a child struggling between tantrums and giggles. It is so hard I feel like once again I am being left behind. My husband feels a calling on his life. He has enrolled in college with a desire to serve God. While I don't even know how to find my purpose or desire. Right now being a stay at home mom is what I do and I even struggle with that. My house is never perfectly clean. My laundry is never complete. There are always dishes in the sink. So I am often reminded of how imperfect I am.

My desire to learn more and be more like God is there. But when I think of having to live up to my husband I find myself feeling unworthy, not good enough. I feel like a spiritual baby, while he is an adult. He has shared a possibility of becoming a Pastor and I completely shut down to the thought of it. I keep telling everyone "I am not a Pastors wife." I am critical. I get too emotionally attached to everyone. I don't feel like God is calling me to be that person. Not saying he can't have me. I guess I just feel Mike is moving faster than I am with all these decisions. This was not something he came and talked to me about. It seemed like one morning he decided he was going to school and Liberty University was it. I was not included in this decision at all. Another reason I felt left behind. I am so proud of him and even a little jealous. I want to have that drive. I want to have inspiration inside of me. But there is none. Nothing. I feel very blah right now. I would love to share my story. I would love to be able to talk to women about what I have been through but I know I am not there yet. I am not where I need to be with my walk in Christ. My prayer is that I am being prepared for that. I would ask that you my readers will pray for our family as we go through all these big changes that are coming soon. Alot will be happening in the next year and just the thought of it overwhelms me. So please pray for the following for us:

Finding a home (9 to 12 months from now)
Mikes Retirement from Navy (exactly one year from now)
Mike starting College (this summer)
Also a few other unspoken requests.

Thank you all for follwing it is always so nice to know I have a place to voice my thoughts and I love to hear the responses from family and friends. :)