There are days when I think I could never be anything good. There are days that I feel swallowed up in an abyss of deep sadness. Life is full of choices, and we live our lives daily making good and bad choices. There was a night this past week where I felt tremendously blessed spending the night with my daughter, enjoying a non Christian concert. I wept for the blessings we were bestowed. I shared with her how although this was not a Christian concert, she needed to thank God for the blessings of the day. Our family has been in a valley lately. Let it never be said that God's people don't suffer. I have shared in other blogs before the struggles of our life and I have often been told God never said it would be easy. All I can say right now, is that I am continuously reminding myself that God never wastes a hurt. Even the deep dark hurts can't be wasted.
I have learned a lot in the past it has been easy to look back and focus on the hurts that have been caused in my life. I would write about it in great detail, pointing out the flaws of everyone else. So what now? What do I write about? How about taking a look in the mirror. My name is Melissa and I struggle with trust issues, depression, I am a co-dependent person who wants to be needed. But the truth is people only want me for a little while. As long as I act the way they want me to act, say the things they want me to say, or be who they want me to be everything is fine. The trouble with that is I am me. I have been hurt many times by people who look past all the good. While learning about taking inventory in Step Study I learned to make 2 lists. To keep things weighted so you can see both sides of every situation. But for along time I have been only seeing my side. I only see how much my heart is hurting, how my trust has been broken time and time again, how life keeps giving me these lemons and I try my best to make lemonade, but instead I have this bitter spirit that drives people away.
So stepping back and taking a look in the mirror what would I see? On a bad day what would I see if I were someone else. I would see a moody, insecure person, who seeks approval and attention. Whose Facebook posts are some days annoying. I would see an overweight person unhappy with her appearance. I would see a complainer. I would see a broken spirit that needs to continue growing in Christ.
On a good day I would see..... someone who gifts to see the joy in others faces. I would see someone who would volunteer to help in any capacity that she could be useful in. I see a beautiful face, I see a giving heart. I see someone who loves Jesus, her family, and tries to make everyone happy, even at the cost of her own happiness. I see someone who tries to love everyone, and is continually growing in Christ.
One day at a time. We all live one day at a time. We all see the imperfections of others, but sometimes it is difficult to see our own. Life is a struggle just trying to be who we are. Imagine trying to be who everyone else wants us to be. It is impossible. So my choice is to try to serve God the best way I know how. My choices are mine and I have to live with them. As for taking my daughter to a Justin Bieber Concert, well if that is the worst thing I ever do with her then God bless us both. I know I will make mistakes as a mother, as a wife, and as a Christian. But thankfully I am a child of the one TRUE King and he paid it all for me to be WHO I AM! I will answer to him one day! Until then live and let live!
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