To be or not to BE!

There are those times in people's lives where they question everything. Who they are. Where they are headed. and that all to familiar question Why.

The last 3 months have been a blur. A roller coaster that seems to never end. It has led me to question so much in my life. There has been so much support from my friends and family and I feel totally blessed by that. But I also struggled with not allowing myself to become depressed. That is when God started reminding me of all the good! Because believe me when you are in a valley going though a hard time you need to be reminded.

Sometimes I find it hard to share, because I was criticized harshly and it did affect the way I felt. It also made me pull back from my writing, which is something I love. When I felt like writing I would fight the urge to do so because I felt like maybe I would offend someone, or maybe lose friends or respect. I have wanted to share these thoughts for a few weeks, but am I doing it to brag or to make people think I am holier than thou? The answer is and will always be NO!

My thoughts and feelings became something I wanted to note for along time. Especially being a wife to an alcoholic husband. I never once threw my husband under the bus. I spoke of everything but that until I was given permission from him to discuss such a hard, and painful topic.

My husband has been sober now for 15 months. Let me tell you I am so VERY PROUD of him. Yes he has done this with God's grace, but its so much more. I can't begin to tell you the stress that came soon after his one year sobriety anniversary. The devil knew exactly what curve balls to send to try and make my husband cave, but he didn't! Mike stood strong and kept God first. Even when I caved and struggled with a small bout of depression he stayed strong and was my rock. In the past he would have let me sleep, he wouldn't have cared because he was in his own world.

But Now.......

He hears me. He doesn't just listen and let it go in one ear and out the other. He hears my cries for help, he hears me when I talk about our future, and he responds instead of looking for his next beer. It is more than I could ever ask for. It is truly like being married all over again to a brand new man. We had bad times in our past, but the good always outweighed the bad. I guess that is why I always loved him so much. I don't think there is another man on earth that could love me as much as Mike does. He is my encourager, my cheerleader, my love, my life, my best friend. I am so imperfect and he rarely calls out my faults. He loves me for me and I can't imagine why. All I can say is I am so thankful for that one person! He doesn't lecture me. He doesn't tell me I am doing things all wrong. He doesn't criticize my weight or the whiskers on my chin. He doesn't give up on me and walk out like so many others have. Instead when I screw up and I go to him crying over my mistakes he consoles me and tells me not to worry. That things will get better. When I try crazy things to lose weight he supports me and when I fail miserably, he loves me anyway. When the world walks out he walks in to tell me how special I am.

He truly makes my heart soar. I use to dread him coming home from work. Now I am constantly waiting for him. I want to spend time with him and I want our relationship to grow as it has been for months now. It truly is a blessing to be married to your best friend! Everyday is a good day! We rarely fight. We rarely raise our voices. We rarely have a bad day! It's like the honeymoon phase all over again, only there are 4 kids running around. We have found the love we had lost and passion has come back. The kids tease us when we share kisses in the kitchen. "Get a room!!" has been heard more than a few times this past year. But its all good. They need to see their parents in love. They need to see that what once seemed broken is now repaired, but only by God's grace.

Without him I don't know where we would be.