It's Bad enough.....

It's bad enough when you feel like you have been on emotional roller coaster for months.

It's bad enough when you feel like everyone else has it all together.

It's bad enough when it seems everyone else has what they want out of life.

It's bad enough that I can't control my emotions.

It's bad enough I feel fine one day and I feel like I am at my breaking point the next.



I can't tell you how hard I try to be HAPPY everyday. For me it is a struggle. Depression has been a big part of my adult life. I have been on the meds, I have done it on my own, and now I turn to God. When I try to plug into God, my church, and try to be sociable, it sometimes just is not enough. Maybe a chemical imbalance? Maybe I'm crazy? But one thing is certain, I am tired of being called out. I have been trying to "DO THE RIGHT THING" for so long now and I am beginning to feel that I was better off when I didn't try so hard. We made changes as a family trying to teach our kids about serving and loving God. We went through a period of healing from Sobriety. Nothing was perfect during that time but we felt connected and like we were making progress.

Now it seems like I am stuck and I can't move.

It hurts when people only point out your faults. It hurts when you try to be/do good and that is the only thing that's not acknowledged in you.

So maybe its true! Maybe everyone else has it together. Maybe their lives are so perfect that they can point out the flaws of everyone else without seeing the other fingers pointing back at them. I mean come on I see it on Facebook all the time. The perfect family vacations. The perfect family gatherings, The perfect kids with the perfect parents, who drive their perfect cars and live in their perfect houses. All living without a care in the world! Of course, I know in my head this is not true but social media has become the devil and tells me it is.

Jealousy is alive and well in me. Anger is alive and well in me. Frustration is alive and well in me.

Does this make me a Jesus Fake? I just don't know anymore. I know what I know in my heart but feeling it everyday of my life is such a struggle. When I see what others have and I don't, I  question why. I know its not right, but I want to give my kids trips to Disney, heck I would settle for a trip to the zoo as a family! It just doesn't seem fair. It isn't fair. These are the emotions I battle. I have been fine for weeks. I have come along way, but all it takes is one wrong word! All it takes is that one moment for someone to call out a mistake I have made and it sends me into a tailspin. I never want to let anyone down and when I do in my world its devastating. That is the hardest part, because I will never be perfect. My husband will never be perfect. My kids will never be perfect. But we are a whole!

I wish I could control it. I wish I didn't care what people thought of me, whether its family, friends, or someone I have never met. I wish the comments and actions of others didn't have such control over my feelings or emotions. So here I am at my breaking point pouring out my emotions, hoping it will relieve the burden of not living up to the expectations of those around me. My heart aches, but more than that it yearns to be understood.