About a year ago

It was about a year ago I felt everything was on track. I felt I was making big strides to becoming a stronger believer in Christ. I was working a 12 step program for co-dependency and depression. While my husband was working one for his alcohol recovery. Things seemed so great. I felt like my growth in Christ was in full force and nothing would slow me down. I was growing in what seemed a strong ministry and felt on top of the world. Fast forward a year later and I feel like a failure. I feel like I am the person I was long before those days of growth.

I began to think about the year and how it has changed me. I felt my heart take flight as I was listening to our Pastor today. I began feeling some of those old feelings I had once felt nearly a year ago and it began to excite me. At the beginning of last year I had prayerfully decided I wanted to go on my first missions trip. I wanted to go to Haiti. My heart was full of Jesus and I wanted to share it with the children of Haiti. I was working in the K-4 room with the children of our church. My heart was on fire. But then something happened.

I never liked the term "stop being bad." Because nothing is all bad. Maybe it's a southern thing but I have often told my kids "Please don't be ugly." To me Ugly can transform into something beautiful just like the Ugly Duckling. You can always change ugly, but something bad is just rotten and in my mind incurable.

I had been ugly in the past. And people didn't like me. Then I thought I was good and people still didn't like me. I struggle daily with knowing who I am. I need constant reminders. It's not because I want people to stroke my ego, it's honestly because I haven't grasped my purpose. There are times I feel like things are so good then it seems like the world comes crashing down around me. I don't do well with anxiety at all and truth be told I met anxiety level of hell last year. It seemed that every little thing broke me in some way. I was that windshield shattered by a rock but still in place. All it would take is one more pebble to be tossed my way and I would have shattered into a thousand pieces.

So there I was taking blow after blow. I felt myself giving up and giving in. I started to believe the lies. (well some of them) I started to feel worthless. I began to feel like I mattered to no one. I started to isolate. There were moments I felt good but most days it was a struggle to even get out of the bed. I was letting people and things of this world steal my joy.

From people telling me I wasn't raising my children right, to those who had taken serious advantage of our friendship. I was wiped out. My constant posts and boasts about God went away. I felt like I was the problem. Like I was the royal screw-up that could never be fixed. So for awhile I just gave up. I stopped posting about how great God was. I stopped posting about how wonderful life was and I began sliding into the abyss of depression. All because I believed what others were saying about me. I believed that I was making a mockery of God and the things he had done for family. Why? Because people said I acted holier than thou. I acted like I was perfect and could do no wrong. Little did they know I was staring the devil in the face and waging war on predators they only new existed on television. So between the war and the words being slung my way I caved.

And who was there for me....my husband, some of my family, and Jesus. All those who have talked trash and walked out of my life are comparable to the trash they talked. I learned something through my darkest days, I will never be able to please people who don't want to be pleased. There are times I have apologized with a humble heart. There have been times I have helped people in one way or another. There have been times I have been the first to reach out, to say I love you, to say I am sorry, to say I am guilty. It is not because I want anything in return. It's because this is what my savior asks of me. To Humble yourself before the lord and he will lift you up! So in my pit I tried to do some humbling but instead I let my heart get hurt over and over again.

I guess it all comes down to expectations. I try not to have them. I try not to hold my breath on getting a Happy Birthday from certain friends/family. I try not to think about how my phone doesn't ring from friends trying to go hang out. I try not to get sad when I see pictures on Facebook of groups I use to be a part of. I try not to expect people to understand me. But I do and it gets me into trouble because I am sensitive. I want to be loved. I want to be needed. I want to be positive and not struggle so often with the cyclone of depression.

 I want Jesus back in my life completely, more so than he has been this past year. I know I was the one who ran far away from him, all while questioning why we had to be the ones facing hell by no choice of our own. I questioned him so many times. I may never know why we had to go through everything we did this past year, but I do know its made me stronger. I also learned not to put my faith or joy in other peoples hands. It's great to have friends, I enjoy fellowship, but I am tired of having my heart stomped on because people don't care about my belief's or how I feel. Until you are in my exact situation you have no say so, you have no clue how you would react. Don't try to make me feel guilty because you don't understand my feelings or emotions.

Now my prayer.

Dear God,
Please draw me closer to you. In everything I do and in everything I say. May my word and actions align with what you would have me to do. May others see you in me. I pray for your will to be done in my life and for those who question you or your power I pray that you reveal yourself to them. I pray for my marriage to be strengthened daily. I pray for my children to grow closer to you God. I pray for our country and I pray for your return Jesus. My heart yearns for peace and for those whom I love to have a oneness with you, for them to have a 24/7 kind of love not just a Sunday love. I ask all these things in your holy precious name. Amen.