Squeezing the Lemons

Sometimes in life we are left wondering where we went wrong? It seems like I find myself there all too often. The beginning of 2012 has not been nice to me. I don't even know how to explain the frustration I have felt over the past few months. It seems like everything that could go wrong has and the minute I decide to be happy something else creeps in and steals my sunshine.

I am not the girl who kept all her high school friends. There are a few I talk to now and again, but as far as having those close relationships I once had with them, it just didn't keep. I guess there are times in life where I feel the need to squeeze the lemons. To rid those of my life who bring the sour instead of the sweet to the lemonade stand. I guess it is hard for me as a military spouse to be a friend to anyone. Because the minute you leave, the friendship takes on a whole new dimension. I have tried to make the calls to keep the long distance from tearing one apart. I have begged and pleaded with God to bring the ones I was close to back to me. Only to find out they hadn't changed and I had.

I have tried to be friendly with neighbors only to be the butt of their jokes and the person they would gossip about. I guess I don't understand how I became that person. I know I am not perfect! My house is not always in perfect shape. I know I am not the perfect mother or wife. But the choices I do make will not harm my family. I do not get drunk. I do not do drugs. I do not party. I really try to treat others the way I want to be treated. So why is it that most people did not get that memo? Why is it that I can not find those who feel that same way. I am 35 and all I want is a good friend. Someone who is honest with me and will be there for me no matter what. As a person that struggles with depression I know that is asking alot. It is hard to be friends with someone who can be so negative at times. I know I have been that person. But on the other hand when I am happy, I feel as high as a kite. I love putting a smile on everyone's face and yet it seems there is none of that in return. It is hard because life has a way of showing you who your true friends are. I'm reminded of the movie Shrek when he rescues the princess and she gives him a "favor" as a token of appreciation. I feel that is one of my best qualities not to brag or anything, but I love seeing people smile. I love giving a small gift of gratitude to those whom have in some way blessed my life. Even in the simplest of manner. But it's so tricky. As for me it seems so many times I have done just that only to be hurt by that person later down the line. It makes me not want to do it. It makes me not want to ask my mom to make baby quilts, it makes me not want to give anniversary cards, birthday cards, make special homemade goodies, or even send/give flowers to brighten a day. That takes so much away from me, it makes me sad and it makes me wonder......

Why is there so much evil in the world? Why do people take advantage of others? Why are people so hurtful to one another? Why do they think they are so much better than others. I AM GUILTY. I am guilty of being imperfect. I am guilty of living a life that some would not agree with. I believe in God but question my faith. I believe in love and that it can conquer almost anything. I believe in giving even when it's so hard to give. I believe that if people could only see the real me, whats on the inside they would love me. But it seems that so far in my life people only see the way I live. They only see the dirty floors. They only see the fingerprints on the windows. They only see me as what I should be in their eyes. Instead of seeing the hurt I have gone through. Instead of seeing the lifestyle I live is completely different from theirs. Instead of judging this book why don't they open it and read the contents before making a judgement. People don't usually take someone elses word about a movie they want to see, they will judge for themselves. It seems for too many years I have been squeezing the lemons out of my life, for once can I just find the sugar someone who can complete the trials and the lessons I have learned someone who will give back to me what I have given so many? I just want to be loved, respected, admired, by a dear true friend. Is that to much to ask?