Still Imperfect

I wish I could know the exact moment when the depressive, emotional side came out of me. Then maybe I could have pleaded with God for this not to happen. I was always happy. Thinking back over my childhood I remember being happy. So is this where adulthood brought me? To a place where I have to take "Happy Pills" to keep me in a better state of mind? I guess it is hard to except because the one "crazy" friend I had could never understand my love for her. How I would have and did do anything and everything in my power I could to keep her. But in the end it was probably my "craziness" that drove her away. It is not a fun place to be......and I realize that it doesn't take much to spin me out of control. So I am very thankful for the "Happy Pills." I am also very thankful for a friend who has let me be me and there for me when I felt I was at my darkest hour. There aren't many people that know how big of a grip this had on my soul. It's a hard road to travel and more times than none it is a very lonely road. Most people don't understand. Some people don't want to understand. Some people think you are being are trying to create drama. Some people don't want to be bothered with the fact that you are in a lowly state. Some people believe you deserve to be where you are.

This year has been my lowest point ever. 2012 has not been nice to my husband and I. Anything that could have went wrong has went wrong..... from health to wealth. Everything has been a struggle. I am hoping and praying that the end of the year will prove to be a turning point. I feel much better than I have in months. I have more energy in fact too much energy now. I am almost too happy, to the point of insomnia. Most nights I don't even sleep. I send My husband off to work and watch the sun come up. Soon after I crash. I guess the best part of all this is my house is clean. Very clean. Probably cleaner that is has ever been. Yet it is still not perfect. It never will be. There are spots on my windows. and probably dirt on the floors. But I am working hard and trying to keep everything in order. I think it helps me keep my head on straight.

This time will be different though. I will not give up or decide that I don't need meds. I now see that they are very helpful and I don't want to go back to the way I was before I started them. I now have HOPE and before there was very little of that around here. I want to start a new venture, which I will soon share. I want to be happy and I want to live life again! Rock bottom is a hard place to fall, luckily I have enough padding to bounce back!