Our Big Secret

Well folks, all I can say is God is in the healing business. If you are not a believer and you don't want to read this that is OK. But I plead with you to give this a chance and just hear what I have to say. My husband and I have been married for 15 years been together for 16. From the very beginning I knew My husband was a drinker. It didn't bother me as I had dated people who had drank, my dad drank on occasion. It was something I was use to being around. Then he popped the question and I said yes. I loved him and I could picture us being together forever but I didn't like the fact that he drank. So I did what most people do and hid (to the best of my ability) his dirty little secret. Even going as far as to drag him into my parents home one night when he was drunk one night after going to a night club. I knew my parents would walk in and find him in the morning but to my knowledge they never knew. (until now if they are reading this) After that night I began to wonder if I was doing the right thing marrying this man. But with the date growing near I just prayed to God and told him if this was wrong to please send me a sign. NO SIGN! Wedding day came and we were married.

I remember our Honeymoon was nothing like I expected.... I remember taking a picture of him and pulling the curtain closed to hide the pyramid of beer cans stacked in the window. I remember feeling disappointed and feeling the realization sinking in that this was my new life. Life with an Alcoholic!

Our first year was HELL! I remember many arguments. I remember asking him to leave. I remember calling friends and asking if I could stay with them. I remember running to my parents house just to be away from him. This was not a marriage. I don't know what it was but neither of us could or would ever be happy living like this. Not long after we were married I found out I was pregnant with our first child and things began to change a little. Mike decided to go back into the Navy and I thought things were beginning to look up. After finishing up with all his schooling we went to our first duty station. Brunswick, Maine. It was awesome, and lonely. It was so cool to be on our own for the first time. But it was also lonely not knowing anyone. I met a few friends and began to be a bit more social. But the invites were to parties, and if you know military parties well there is a lot of booze/beer and its usually not hidden from the kids. So I am ashamed to say I would take my baby over and hang out so Mike could get his fix. I was an enabler. If we didn't have the money he/we would find the way. He seemed to be more bearable when he was drinking. It didn't take long for me to see that this was not the life I wanted for myself and for my children. I called my mom! My mom listened to me cry she heard my words and she offered me a plane ticket and anything else she could help with this. I knew this would put them in a bind financially, but more than that I wasn't ready to give up on my husband. She told me if I came home that I wouldn't be able to go back and forth. I truly believe that God had his hands on that first duty station because had we been closer to family I probably would have left him and filed for divorce. He knew we needed to grow and needed to learn to rely and trust in one another.

After that first Duty station God moved us closer to family and I continued to deal with the constant drinking. Being married to an alcoholic is stressful to say the least. Mike would buy beer at the store and we would come home and not 30 minutes later he would need to go to the store to buy more beer. Not because he needed it because he would have just bought a 12, 18, or in some cases a 24 pack. I honestly can't explain what made him do these things. Maybe for comfort in knowing it was there for him? I am not really sure, but it seemed he always had to have more. Maybe it was so I wouldn't know how much he had actually been drinking. There were several nights that I would go out and count the bottles. I would cry, I would call out to God asking why.

The last 5 years have been the worst. The arguments have escalated. Threats of leaving had been made. I even prayed to God to take me or to take him because I felt in my heart I couldn't take this life anymore. I couldn't be married to someone who couldn't be himself without a drink in his hand. Mike is the most loving, caring husband and father, but on the other side of the coin he can be selfish, spiteful, and down right mean. I found myself following in those same patterns. When I couldn't make him see things my way I would get mad. I would get depressed thinking of how all my friends on Face book had such perfect lives. I would think about how I tried to be faithful to God and wondered how he could do this to me. I threw constant pity parties for myself and began to think God didn't care about me. "Where is my God when I need him?" "Why can't he save my husband?"
 "I have prayed for YEARS, DAILY.... what are you doing up there?" "Why am I not important enough for him to answer my prayers?"

Our life was spinning out of control and fast. My children were getting older and seeing his behavior. They could see how he changed when he was drinking and my heart was breaking at the fact that I brought them into this life. I had talked to my mom and explained to her the situation and even spoke with my youngest brother, crying and really not knowing what to do. My family has always known, as most of them occasionally drink. After I got off the phone with them I knew what I had to do. I had asked Mike to leave and he had refused. Saying he would not leave his kids. At that point I decided to call his mom. His family had no idea. We don't see them regularly and they pretty much keep to themselves. I knew it would hurt her, but I really had no other ideas. So I called his mom and broke down crying. I told her how long it had been going on and how much I was hurt by his actions and that I was at a loss and didn't know where to turn. She said she would call him. A few minutes later the phone rang and my heart Sank. I knew I had thrown him under the bus so to speak and I had no idea what his reaction would be. He didn't speak to me for 2 days. I wish I could say that everything went perfect and he quit drinking and this story has a perfect ending. But it didn't happen that way. We are definitely working towards that happy ending but life didn't get easy.

About a week or so after Mike quit drinking we had no groceries, no food in our home. We had recently started attending Journey Church. We had gotten a paper on small groups and I had called a few of them trying to find help for our family. No one called back. I made one last ditch effort to call and get help and the phone was answered by one of the leaders in our Celebrate Recovery Group. She was concerned and was anxious to help our family. I believe it was about 8 PM when we had talked to her and she and her family made a special trip to our home to bring us groceries by the time they got to us it was about 10 PM they brought groceries and a card for gas and another card for more groceries for the week. It was a miracle. They asked no questions about how we got in that situation. They gave freely and invited us to their small group Celebrate Recovery. As I had shared with the leader that my husband at the time was fresh in is walk with sobriety. The next Friday we went and I was in awe of such a meaningful, heartwarming, place of Celebration. Mike on the other hand was cold and it showed. The second week he was the same, but thankfully God softened his heart and showed him this is where he needs to be to keep this Journey on track.

 Today as I write this I am in awe that he is 98 days sober. We have been here before, but not with the guidance and help of Celebrate Recovery. I am excited and feel blessed beyond measure to see what God will continue to do in our lives. If you have any comments or Questions about Celebrate Recovery I would be glad to answer them and if I don't know the answer I will get back to you with one. But know this, It is a place that you can come and worship God, it is a place for any person with a hurt, hang up, or habit that may be controlling you or your life. A new step study will be starting soon and it is a 12 step program. I will be joining the ladies step study as I have issues with anger, trust,co-dependency, and in the past I have struggled with bouts of depression.

This is not the end of our Journey so please stay tuned! :)