Life with a Purpose

I refuse to be delusional anymore. My phone doesn't ring. I don't wake up and have emails waiting for me in the morning. This is the life of a Co Dependent ME! I often look for anyone and everyone else to make me feel purposeful. I wish I could tell you where it began. In my nature I try to fix people, I try to make them aware of how much they hurt people but it doesn't matter because they are who they are and what I think doesn't really matter. Maybe it's just me? Maybe I am too sensitive to...... well everything?  I don't want my family and friends to drink but I can't take the drink out of their hands. I don't want them to use foul language but I can't staple their mouths shut. I don't want to be Co dependent, but it is my drug of choice. It makes me feel happy when I am able to make others happy. There is such a fine line between that and having true friends.

I have said before I am a very giving person. I give my time. I give money if I have it. I give my heart only to have it crushed time and time again. I don't really ask for much. A thank you makes me feel like I served a purpose. Now as I go through my 12 step program at Celebrate Recovery it is hard but the lines suddenly become clearer. The once fuzzy gray areas now seem black or white. Which is very helpful for me as I take this Journey. I want to one day have friends that genuinely care about me and invite me out because they want to spend time with me. I want to have friends on Facebook that are actually my friends! People who check in on you and say "hi"! Not people who don't talk to you for weeks then chime in trying to be hurtful or spiteful.

It is obvious that just because I am on a Journey, it doesn't mean that everyone else is. I know that people can only change if they want to change. For me I want to be better. I want to be that role model that my kids look at and want to be like. I want to raise my children and not be their best friend until after they become adults. I want them to be confident and not struggle with not knowing who they are and this crazy feeling of needing approval from everyone. Maybe I have driven most people away as we have lost so much. Maybe I have driven them away with being neurotic all the time, or maybe God lead them away so I wouldn't be hurt anymore. What ever the reason I am finding myself. It is a slow and painful process. My heart has been hurting for weeks now because I feel so lonely, but I know that I am growing in Christ. I know that I will have a purposeful life and I know that there are a few people I can call on that will ALWAYS LIFT ME UP! So even if it is just a FEW I claim them and I look forward to talking with them and sharing whatever is on my mind. As for those who follow along here you know you are my blessings! :) I always enjoy getting your feedback after I write my ramblings! So Thanks for sticking around for so long!