Hidden

It began as a little girl. There were times I wanted to hide away from the world. It seems funny to me now because we lived in the middle of no where. We lived out in the sticks, the country. The nearest neighbors were relatives who were probably 100 yards from door to door. In fact in those days those were the only neighbors we had. I had 2 cousins to play with and they were both boys. Needless to say it was mostly rough play. Chase, tag, and some sort of ball play. There wasn't much to do. You could only ride your bike so much, or play so much before I became bored.

I remember one day climbing under my bed and hiding. Hiding away from the world. My mom walked in and called my name and I remember wondering how hard she would look for me. I would draw on the wooden part of my frame and sometimes even dose off. It seemed peaceful and this may sound weird but it seemed comforting being such a tight space. As I got older the need for small spaces didn't leave me. As a matter of fact when Mike and I had a severe disagreement I would go hide in the closet. I would leave the light off and cry in the dark or pray.

Thinking back I now realize this was a deeper darker side of my isolation. Not sure what I was isolating from as a child? But I know what I hid from as an adult. A very unhappy marriage, an alcoholic husband, and a lot of sadness. I have not felt that need in a very long time although as of recently I feel more and more like climbing into my "hole." I have come to realize this is what I want to do when the world becomes overwhelming and seems too big to confront anymore. When I feel the weight of the world resting on my shoulders and I want to buckle that is when I go into hiding. I walk away from the things and the people I love and just keep to myself. I start to believe it is the best thing for me to keep from being hurt and when I finally find the courage to step out from that I am hurt again. It never fails. So why? Why does this continue to happen? Is it me? I believe I am trying to be better and do better...... so why do I continuously FAIL?

It is hard to be strong when you feel so weak!